WHAT LAWYERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ABUSE

February 25, 1999
Family Law, Faculty of Law, University of Manitoba
 
Developed by Lisa McGifford (Evolve Program for Intensive Family Law )
Edited by Rekha Malaviya (Law II).

CONTENTS

1) What Abuse Is
2) Abusers
3) Women Who Have Been Abused
4) Child Witnesses of Abuse
5) Abuse Check List
6) Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships
7) Examples of Abuse
8) Resource List

WHAT LAWYERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

1) What abuse is:

DON'T THINK FOR A SECOND THAT THESE THINGS DON'T HAPPEN!!! THEY ARE HAPPENING EVERY DAY TO PEOPLE YOU KNOW -- YOUR NEIGHBOURS, FAMILY MEMBERS AND FRIENDS. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LABELLING IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU KNOW. WHY WOULD THEY TELL YOU?

WHAT LAWYERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

2) Abusers:

WHAT LAWYERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

3) Women who've been abused:

WHAT LAWYERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

4) Children who Witness Abuse:

WHAT LAWYERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

5) Questions to ask when a man says his partner is abusing him.

  1. Is he afraid of her?
  2. Does he change his pinions/behaviour/clothing/friends from getting angry?
  3. Does he have sex with her because he is afraid of what will happen if he doesn't?
  4. Does he sit on pins and needles wondering what kind of mood she'll be in when she gets home from work?
  5. Does she try to get him to have sex with her after she's beaten him up?
  6. Has she left him with the kids, on social assistance, while she had a job, but wouldn't pay child support?
  7. Has she ever assaulted him out of the blue, including when he's sleeping?
  8. Does she threaten to have sex with other men if he doesn't have sex with her?
  9. Does she try to get him to have sex with other men or women?
  10. Does she not allow him to get a job or leave the house?
  11. Does she refuse to participate in parenting?
  12. Is he afraid to tell his friends and family what's happening for fear they'll blame him?
  13. Has she made threats against him when he's pregnant?

WHAT LAWYERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

6) Why women stay in abusive relationships:

    FEAR: that the abuser may come after/kill/hurt her and/or the children that she will lose everything of being alone of losing friends and family

    HOPE: that the abuser will change (as promised)(abuse, generally, isn't constant and there is usually a period between explosions where things as much as they once were

    LOVE: she loves her partner, and only hates what's being done to her she can't imagine leaving someone she loves she believes no-one else will love her

    SHAME: what will other's think? she may be concerned that people will look down on her she likely believes that she caused/deserved the abuse, and has no right to leave

    BELIEF SYSTEM: it is never right to break up the family kids need two parents marital vows are taken very seriously religious beliefs can strongly discourage leaving

    FINANCES: fear that she will have nothing and will not be supported in any way she doesn't have a clue how she will support herself/the kids

    CONFUSION: is it really abuse? what if she acted differently?

    LACK OF INFROMATION; not aware of rights and resources has normalized abuse, often having grown up witnessing/experiencing it

    DEFEAT: she may believe that she's helpless/powerless to affect the circumstances she may believe all the messages she's been given about her inability to cope

    SELF-ESTEEM: she may have come to believe that she deserves what's happening leaving is hard -- most people don't do hard things for someone they don't like

    FAMILY PRESSURE: she may be dealing with family members who do not understand and encourage her to stay and work it out

    SOCIAL PRESSURE: women are surrounded by messages that tell us that our relationship is the most important thing and that our value as human beings is contingent upon the success or failure to "find/keep a man"
     

WHAT LAWYERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

7)  SOME EXAMPLES

ISOLATION

  •  pressured into not spending time with family/friends/herself
  •  stopped from contacting friends and family
  •  monitoring time and requiring an accounting of activities throughout the day and with whom contact was made
  •  not allowing someone to leave the home
  • making it difficult to get a job/go to school
  • restricting use of a vehicle
  • restricting use of a phone
  • keeping someone from getting required medical care
  • telephoning/randomly checking up on someone
  • embarrassing someone; propositioning/flirting with friends
  • stopping someone from leaving a social situation
  • controlling what is read and what kinds of materials are allowed in the home

  •  

    "A MAN'S HOME IS HIS CASTLE"

     
  • demanding obedience from her
  • making decisions which affect both of them without her input
  • treating her as if she's inferior
  • telling her she couldn't live without him
  • refusing to express his feelings
  • not allowing her to express her feelings
  • ignoring; refusing to listen to what she has to say
  • refusing to participate in parenting
  • refusing to participate in household chores.

  •  

    FINANCIAL CONTROL

  • keeping all the income to themselves, including hers
  • making all the economic decisions against her wishes/without her input
  • keeping from her money that she needs
  • making her ask for basic necessities
  • making her get permission before she buys anything
  • making her produce receipts and justify anything she's bought
  • selling/pawning off her/their possessions
  • cleaning out her/their bank account
  • not allowing her access to a bank account
  • restricting her to an allowance
  • cutting up her credit cards
  • forcing her to support the abuser financially without a legitimate reason

  •  

    INTIMIDATION

  • changing their mood without warning
  • giving her the silent treatment
  • shouting/yelling at her
  • pounding fists on the table
  • punching the wall
  • knocking over furniture/items
  • throwing/kicking things
  • killing/hurting/neglecting pets
  • frightening her into agreeing
  • jumping to conclusions without gathering information
  • displaying weapons
  • driving recklessly to scare her/not allowing her to leave the car

  •  

    SEXUAL ABUSE

     
  • withdrawing affection
  • excessive jealousy/possessiveness
  • refusing to take any responsibility for birth control
  • refusing to allow her to use birth control
  • using objects sexually on her with her consent/against her wishes
  • having/flaunting affairs
  • accusing her of having/wanting affairs
  • à withholding sex as a way of punishing
  • àcoercing/pressuring her to have sex/making her feel she doesn't have much choice
  • forcing/pressuring her into sexual activities she doesn't want
  • purposely inflicting pain on her during sex
  • pressuring/forcing her to view/participate in pornography
  • pressuring/forcing her to have sex with others/prostitute herself
  • forcing her to engage in sexual activities with animals
  • forcing her to watch sexual acts with people/animals

  •  

    THREATS/PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

  • threatening to leave the relationship
  • threatening suicide if she leaves the relationship
  • threatening to withhold money
  • threatening to have an affair
  • threatening to hurt children
  • threatening to hurt animals
  • threatening to go after family/friends
  • threatening to track her down if she leaves
  • threatening to have her committed
  • threatening to hurt/kill her
  • threatening her with a weapon
  • threatening her with criminal charges which she doesn't realize are no legitimate
  • threatening to report things she hasn't done to authorities
  • depriving her of sleep
  • depriving her of food
  • abandoning her on the road/in a social situation
  • blaming her for the abuse/problems/stress
  • minimizing/justifying/denying the abuse towards her
  • harassing her at work
  • pressuring her to have criminal charges dropped
  • making harassing/frightening phone calls
  • violating protective/recognizance orders requiring no contact/harassment
  • following/stalking her; watching her
  • threatening legal action if she doesn't comply
  • destroying/withholding personal possessions

  •  

    EMOTIONAL ABUSE

  • saying or doing things to insult/spite her in front of others
  • putting down her physical appearance
  • telling her she's stupid/worthless/unwanted
  • calling her names/swearing at her
  • criticizing her friends/family; care of the children/home
  • telling her she's crazy/irrational/demented
  • telling her she's seeing/hearing things
  • undermining her parental authority
  • undermining/belittling her attempts to improve herself
  • telling other people untrue/secret things about her
  • reading her mail/diary; listening in on her phone calls.

  •  

    PHYSICAL ABUSE

  • throwing her; throwing things at her
  • spitting at her
  • pulling her hair
  • twisting her arms, legs, etc.
  • choking/strangling her
  • kicking her
  • slapping, punching scratching her
  • covering her mouth
  • restraining/forcibly confining her
  • tickling her when told to stop
  • smothering her/putting a pillow over her face
  • holding her head under water
  • forcefully putting her out of the house/locking her out/locking her in
  • hitting with something
  • using a weapon
  • trying to hit her with the car
  • assaulting her when she is pregnant
  • beating her unconscious
  • biting/burning her
  • grabbing/pushing/shoving her

  •  

    WHAT LAWYERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

    8) Resources:

    Virtually all of the following resources ENCOURAGE "third parties" to call for information in supporting an abused woman/abuser. If your client is in such a situation and you have ANY questions, you are encouraged to call yourself!

    FOR WOMEN:

    Osborne House -- 942-3052
    24-hour Crisis Line for abused women; 24-hour crisis shelter; 1-1 counselling by appointment; support groups.

    Klinic Crisis Line 786-8686 [Sexual Assault Crisis Line: 786-6851]
    24-hour Crisis Line for anyone needing to talk.

    Ma Mawi Wi Chi Itata -- 772-0303
    For aboriginal people. Counselling for all members of a family in which abuse has concerned.
     

    FOR ABUSERS:

    Evolve -- 784-4070
    Counselling for abusive men, abused women, and affected children.

    Family Centre of Winnipeg -- 947-1401
    Counselling

    Klinic Crisis Line 786-8686
    24-hour Crisis Line for anyone needing to talk.

    Ma Mawi Wi Chi Itata -- 772-0303
    For aboriginal people. Counselling for all members of a family in which abuse has concerned.
     

    FOR/ABOUT CHILDREN:

    Child and Family Services [Check for the office in the client's area]
    Child Protection for situations in which abused is known of or suspected. Counselling and support for children/families.

    Ma Mawi Wi Chi Itata -- 772-0303
    For aboriginal people. Counselling for all members of a family in which abuse has concerned.